Full Belly

There is something with the belly that I still do not fully understand. Sometimes when it is full I feel great and on the other hand some other times like just now I have got my belly full and far from feeling satisfied or happy I feel dizzy and melancolic. I just don't get it. I don't.

Tears

My baby is and she is not
my heart is always next to her
without her warmth I feel lost
without her by my side my soul droops down

Oilpond

Curious it is, when the oilpond returns
no joy or sorrow can change its calm
and I wonder if it is part of my anxious mind
or perhaps it is just the way my brain works
changes, all the time
it looks like a cruel joke
that the only constant in this world
is the permanent state of change

In the begining...

I am upset, frustrated, uncomfortable, moody. And I'm fed up with feeling bad. Sometimes I feel I am terribly unhappy, and I am desperate for getting better. Suddenly I do, or I think I do.

This happens to me since I have memory. I remember, and I think it could look clumsy, but that's what it was, then I remember when I was a little boy, aged 6 or less, in the moments I was feeling melancholic I went up to the rooftop and sang, I don't know why really, but I remember myself crying and singing, sobbing and licking that water coming from my eyes and nose. I feel weird and nervous each time I evoke those moments. Vulnerable.

All those times and all my life a recurrent sad thought: "nobody loves me". I do not have idea where that phrase comes from, because I am lucky to be able to say I was born and lived in a loving family. Perhaps it's the fear to loose that love. Maybe not.

And still now I am happily in love and my wonderful wife is the best since food was invented ;-)

yet this feeling is too deep inside me, like it was part of myself. Nothing changes that. Even so, and maybe caused by this circumstance, my unbreakable optimism encourages me to keep fighting and sailing on this deep ocean of sorrow with my white boat, still curious to find what's next.